When It Comes to Keeping Children Safe — If You See Something. Say Something.

Published November 28, 2011 Child Abuse and Neglect , Family , Parenting , Physical Violence , Relational Aggression , School Climate , Sexual Harassment , Social Norms , Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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I was in NYC at Penn Station, the other day, and heard “See Something, Say Something” broadcast over the loud speaker.   The message worked, and I found myself more conscious of my surroundings, looking around for any suspicious suitcases and back packs to report (there were none, but I felt I did my part).

I started to really think about those four words, and what power they have when put into action.  Remember the Times Square bombing attempt averted by an alert New Yorker who saw something not quite right, and was willing to step outside his comfort zone  and actually say something to authorities?

Imagine if that Penn State graduate assistant had said something to stop Coach Sandusky when he saw him sodomizing a 10-year old boy in the locker room shower nine years ago.  And what if the legendary Joe Paterno had done the right thing and told the police what had been reported to him, and not just another university football administrator.   Those four simple words just might have been enough to have prevented other young boys from being sexually abused.

In all of CAPS’ prevention through education programs, we encourage children, parents, and educators to “say something” if they “see something.”  We want the kids who are bystanders or witnesses to bullying, to step up and  speak out; we want them to become upstanders and safely intervene;  and tell a trusted adult if they need help.  And we would like parents to reach out to a stressed-out neighbor if they saw them or their child in a difficult situation.

We would like to remind everyone that we all have a role to play in keeping kids safe, and hope the next time you see something, you’ll do the right thing and say something to someone who is the position to actually help.   Alane Fagin, MS, Executive Director

Lessons from Penn State – Revisiting NYS Child Abuse Reporting Laws

Published November 22, 2011 Child Abuse and Neglect , Legislation Leave a Comment
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OK – here we go again – experts who, in response to the Penn State scandal, quote, with great certainty, NYS child abuse reporting laws, and feel compelled to educate the public re the same.  All one needs to do is open the local paper (in this case Newsday) and look at the Letters to the Editor  and the Opinion page where therapists and educators make sweeping statements like “NYS mandates that educators report suspicions (of child abuse) to Child Protective Services” (Opinion Newsday 11/21/2011).  Hmmm…well not so fast.

Yes, in NYS, educators are mandated to report suspicions of child abuse to CPS when the parent or child comes before them in their professional capacity. However it is the parental maltreatment of children that is the primary focus of Child Protective Services (defining “parent” may include: custodian, guardian or any person continually or at regular intervals found in the same household as the child).  And of course, depending on the type and severity of the abuse, a law enforcement referral could concurrently be made.

So what’s the problem?  Teachers, coaches, and other school personnel are not parents and not subjects of CPS reports!  The laws governing the reporting of child abuse by an employee or volunteer against a child in an educational setting do not require educators to directly report the allegations to an outside agency (like the police), but rather to promptly complete a written report of the allegation(s), and deliver the report to the school administrator.  Think about that.  In light of the Penn State scandal, one can quickly see  what might be some problems with this protocol.  So before we pat ourselves on the back and boldly report on NYS’ more “progressive” child reporting laws, let’s make sure we have our facts straight.  Because only then can we identify the unintended consequences of such a mandate, identify remedies, and assess for any meaningful change. Patti Cathers, LMSW, Director of Program and Volunteer Services

Has Using Toxic Words Become the New Norm for Kids?

Published November 22, 2011 School Climate , School Culture , Social Myth , Social Norms , SUSS (Students United for Safe Schools) , Tolerance , Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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Imagine walking the halls of your office while hearing your colleagues use words such as slut, bitch, fag, or ugly. Keep in mind that they are using these words with complete ease; with an unspoken and common understanding that these words are simply a part of the language. Now imagine these words being directed at you. Could you remain focused, calm, or confident?

In my work with students through the CAPS SUSS initiative (Students United for Safe Schools), as I’ve strolled the hallways in many of our local schools, I have been struck by the constant barrage of such words.  I can see them being thrown around hitting student after student. Unlike me, students appeared desensitized to the power and meaning these words possess literally.

The distressing irony is that many of the students say these words are just a natural extension of their language, and use them freely as banal adjectives and without malicious intent or anger.   The disturbing factor is that when asked about the use of words like gay–as in ‘your shirt is so gay’– students have told me countless times that they are just used to it. These words have become infused into their general language, essentially, descriptors for whatever it is they are feeling in the moment. The words have been stripped of their true meaning.

An interesting dichotomy exists, however, in that while they express a certain numbness to the use of these words, they also express a discomfort and anxiety to the fact that the adults in their schools hear them used and rarely comment. In our dialogues, students have also spoken of their outrage. They question how these words have become so mainstream within their culture, how they have come to accept this as a fact, and how the adults in their lives appear passive to their use.

Sadly, many students roam their schools making choices based on social myth: believing that they are alone in their convictions of being angry or uncomfortable about the use of hostile language. They remain fixed in this state of disconnection as the myths are not dispelled by adults, peers or facts.

How is it that we, as adults, cannot and would not conceive functioning in an environment in which such language is not only tolerated but supported by the peer culture, and yet our children live within a deteriorating system that has allowed verbal toxicity to enter its core? Once their consciousness is raised, students realize that the use of such language not only affects their friends and peers, but it also leaves an indelible mark on them. The words linger, leaving a foul residue of disrespect on the speaker, the recipient, as well as the passerby. The time has come for us to work collectively with our kids, empower them and their peers to rise above these words and really speak their minds.  Mor Keshet, MPS, LCAT, Coordinator, CAPS Bully Prevention Center

Complacency Is Not An Option When It Comes to Bullying in Schools

Published November 14, 2011 Friendships , Peer Groups , School Climate , School Culture , Social Norms , SUSS (Students United for Safe Schools) , Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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Amongst adults, there is a gross misperception that youth are passive, complacent creatures that are oblivious to their surroundings.  In creating and now implementing the CAPS’ Bully Prevention Center Students United for Safe Schools (SUSS) initiative, I have witnessed youth at their best: connected, driven, passionate, and hungry for change.  SUSS has provided students from ten Long Island high schools with invigorating training on social justice, social norms and myths, and perhaps most importantly, tools on how they can institute change in their school’s culture.

When students first began to hear about the notion of school culture, they were fascinated, as they quickly came to grasp that their school was singular in its cultural norms and climate.  While common themes are certainly interwoven amongst the various schools, students began to feel an increased sense of accountability upon realizing that they and their peers essentially create the culture in which they learn and socialize.  In fostering an open and honest discourse, students began thinking analytically, reflecting on how their peer group affects their choices and ultimately, their individuality:  “When I am in a group, it is as though I lose my voice;  I lose my sense of self and I say and do things that I otherwise would never say and do.”  This insightful comment captures one of the many conflicts of adolescence; the need for peer acceptance vs. the desire to remain an individual.  Kids, like all human beings need a sense of belonging, a knowing that they too have a place in the world.  At times, this need can become all-encompassing, and their choices begin to encroach on their personal values.

The intent behind the students’ initiatives is to redefine the very norms that affect the myriad of social choices students are faced with daily, both online and offline.  By reclaiming accountability and active participation in their schools’ communities, students are finding a different voice.  One that rallies others to join the collective, to critically question and challenge what has sadly become ‘normal’ in their culture, and by doing so, forming a school culture that embraces and promotes unilateral respect, tolerance and civility.  These students are sharp; they recognize that this is not about all of their peers being friends, this is not the expectation.  What has become the expectation for these students is to no longer remain complacent when witnessing social injustice, but rather to empower themselves and their peers through engaging initiatives so that they remember who they are, even when surrounded by a group.  Mor Keshet, MPS, LCAT, Coordinator, CAPS Bully Prevention Center

Shame On You Family Court Judge Adams

Published November 7, 2011 Child Abuse and Neglect , Discipline , Family , Parenting , Physical Violence , Punishment Leave a Comment
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They say that a picture is worth a thousand words – but the disturbing video circulating on the Internet of a Texas family court judge “disciplining” his 16-year old daughter with a belt leaves me speechless.

Although child abuse laws vary from state to state, there is no state that permits assault of a child as a legal form of discipline.  All states allow the use of “reasonable” corporal punishment by a parent or guardian to discipline their children, and Texas law is no exception.  But think about that video.  Is there anything “reasonable” about an out-of-control parent taking a belt, yelling obscenities and beating his daughter for seven minutes?  Corporal punishment – with an implement – inflicted in a state of anger and rage crosses the line from discipline to abuse.

More than 90% of US parents have used spanking at least once to discipline their child.  Most child development experts agree that spanking and other forms of corporal punishment are not effective in changing behavior.  The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that parents be encouraged to use alternative methods of discipline to respond and correct undesired behavior.  They believe that the use of corporal punishment as a discipline strategy is controversial, and advises that “other forms of physical punishment, such as striking a child with an object… are unacceptable and may be dangerous to the health and well-being of the child,” and they should never be used.

The statute of limitations for reporting this case of child abuse may have expired, but in the court of popular opinion, the jury is NOT out.  Shame on you, Family Court Judge Adams.   Alane Fagin, Executive Director

Gossip Girls

Published October 19, 2011 Bullying , Family , Friendships , Parenting , Relational Aggression Leave a Comment
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Isn’t it unfortunate that the easiest way for some girls to bond with one another is to share gossip about other girls? Cheap thrills, in a way. It’s easy, it’s collaborative, it’s what they see, and what they know. And isn’t it unfortunate that often, when a mother walks in on a group of girls engaging in this practice, she smirks and says, “Now girls…..be nice!” (Wink, wink)

A recent episode of the television show “Modern Family“  brilliantly depicted another scenario. It was hilarious to watch, but sad too, because it’s so true: The mom tells her two daughters in the car not to gossip about a particular girl, adding  “It’s the last thing her family needs right now.” When the girls ask what she means, she adopts a perfect gossiping posture and tone, and proceeds to gossip with delicious abandon about the girl’s mother.

What could a mom do? What should she do? Rosalind Wiseman is so good at saying it like it is, with love,  and in her book, Queen Bees & Wannabees, she depicts a situation where a mom has heard from another mom that her daughter and  friends have been engaging in some very hurtful activities, targeting another girl in their grade on Facebook. She confronts her daughter with what she has heard.  Her daughter’s reaction is:  This is so stupid! That girl just blows everything out of proportion!   And after several “OMG’s” and “Whatevers,” her mom says:   When you do something that is unethical, it is my responsibility to you to hold you accountable. I love you with all my heart, so I can’t stand by and do nothing about this. You must have the courage to right this wrong. I know it’s going to be difficult to do this but I’ll be beside you the whole time. And, while I believe what you are telling me, you need to know that if I find out that you are more responsible for this than you are telling me right now, then that will mean additional consequences. There is a chance I won’t find out, but there’s also a chance I will.

There is so much that I believe is right about the above, but most of all, the delivery of the message. Though this  blog began about gossip, it now becomes more about this style of communication which I believe is crucial, especially for girls who often experience difficulty communicating openly, assertively and directly–not only with one another, but eventually with employers, and their significant others.

It is clear.

It is direct.

It is loving.

It is caring.

It is honest.

It represents a way of communicating that I believe needs to be taught to our daughters; hopefully, first, by their mothers and/or fathers as early and consistently as possible. That way, by the time they attend our workshops for girls (Friendship Matters and What’s Up? Girl Talk) at school, the messages, strategies and tools they learn about friendships, relationships and respect are reinforcement and expansion of what they’ve already heard at home.

Direct, honest and respectful communication throughout life serves all of us well.   Its value transcends all of our relationships–-friends, family, teachers, colleagues, employers, and partners. Perhaps learning to engage in this manner can eventually replace girls’ need to express themselves via under the radar, hurtful whispers and gossip that are the antithesis of healthy expression, in their pursuit of successful relationships and achievement.  Debbie Brandwein, Supervisor of Education and Training

The Judgment Gene

Published September 8, 2011 Family , Friendships , Parenting , Tolerance , Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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When my adult daughters describe me as a parent, in retrospect, one of their words  is this:  judgmental.

Subscribing to the theory that we live what we learn, I come by this unfortunate quality honestly. My mother (who is now 90,  frail and alone but for close family) was a robust, sociable, active woman with a flair for fashion and home design.  She worked as a nurse before she married then carried those skills into her domestic domain proudly.  She was a wonderful wife and mother. But she was judgmental… especially when she felt threatened or the need to protect her children.  For example, she would often warn me about certain friends: “I wouldn’t trust that girl”or “She’s jealous of you” or “She’s taking advantage of you.”  My dad was the opposite, as is my husband (hmmm).  But my siblings and I all seemed to inherit her “judgment gene ” to some degree.

Why and when did my mother’s habit of judging people become a part of my adult nature?  I remember being a trusting, kind and empathetic girl who thought her parents were perfect.  Was it a response to when I assumed more adult roles, relationships and responsibilities?  To self-doubt?  Or simply a delayed reaction to what I heard/observed while I was growing up?

My husband and children have called me out many times on my tendency to reject and judge people without giving them a chance.  Because of them–and seeing how my mother’s world became so small– I’ve been open and willing to change–though it is still sometimes challenging for me to bite my tongue.

Had I had an opportunity to begin this work earlier, it probably would have saved me, and those around me, a lot of angst and, frankly, icky feelings–which  is why I appreciate having a hand in developing CAPS’ programs for elementary and middle school girls (Friendship Matters and What’s Up? Girl Talk).   Young girls, in small intimate groups, get to examine their reactions and interactions and, in turn, see themselves in a whole other light;  how much of an impact their behavior and relationships with other girls can have in their lives–now and in the future.  Most importantly, they learn that they have the power to make different choices of how and what they say and do, regardless of what they see in their own homes.

This is also why, when we talk to parents of girls, we ask them to reflect on their own attitudes and behavior.  Do they welcome new people to their, and their daughter’s, group of friends?  Do they talk about the ups and downs of their friendships and relationships to their child?  Do they own up to feelings of jealousy and anger so that their daughters can do the same without translating it into judgment and criticism, or worse, of other girls? Do they know that it is not just what they say, rather it is what they do, which includes facial expressions, shrugs, looks, eye-rolling and smirks that speak to their daughters?

According to my children, I know it was my silence and facial expression that communicated volumes to them as young kids. And now, instead of saying “nothing” when they ask me what’s wrong, I try to tell them as fairly and honestly as I can, even if it means owning up to feelings unbecoming to a new and mostly improved non-judgmental mother. Verbalizing constructively about anger, jealousy, or feelings of insecurity can often soften their impact and help put them in perspective, instead of internalizing and then acting out based on those emotions.  This was another valuable lesson I learned from my children, and is a good one to share with your kids… even if you come around to teaching it late.

Debbie Brandwein, Supervisor of Education and Training

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